At lunch with colleagues this week, the conversation turned to babies. A few of them are planning for kids, and one already has a full plan for how they’ll handle the first months. I think that’s great. It’s good to sit down and talk about it. I also told them that when the baby actually arrives, some of it will probably change. Then came the question: how do you divide your attention equally now that you have three?
My honest answer: we try our best, and sometimes it just doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s one big chaos.
I thought about the evening before. Homework time. My eldest had maths questions, my middle one was also doing maths, but at a completely different level, with completely different questions. Both needed me at the same time. Meanwhile the youngest was playing in the same room, and I was keeping one eye on him so he wouldn’t climb the bunk bed by himself. I helped one, then told the other, “Sorry, you need to wait, I’m helping your sister first.” By the time I got to her, the first one was back with another question. And so it went. At some point I thought: okay, three is enough.
I’m not complaining. I love them, and most of it is fun. It’s also tiring. Equal attention sounds good in theory, but in practice it’s mostly taking turns and hoping everyone feels seen by the end of the day.
I also know I have a lot of help that makes this possible. We don’t have grandparents here, but we have a good helper, which makes a big difference. Childcare here is very good, and so is school. I’m very grateful for that, and I don’t think I’d say “it’s fun” quite as easily without it.
It also made me think about my own mum. I’m one of four girls, and in the Netherlands there wasn’t a helper to call on. She worked part time with the first two of us, stopped working altogether when the third came, and only went back part time once we were all at school.
When I picture her with four kids at home, I understand why she always needed her coffee. And yet she made time to sit down and help me with my homework. I remember that, and I’m now very curious how she divided her attention.
It also made me think about the bigger picture. Singapore encourages people to have more children, and I understand why. But I think it takes three things. Physically, you need to feel strong and healthy enough. Financially, it has to work. And mentally, you need to feel balanced enough to handle the stress and chaos at home. I love our chaos, but it takes energy, and that’s worth being honest about with people who are thinking about it.
This morning was a good example. My middle one was bouncing off the walls at 5:30, ready for school, which obviously wasn’t open yet. From 5:30 to 7:30 I was managing a lot of big emotion and even more energy, and by the time we left I was done. I was so happy that her school opens early. She’s a morning person and our oldest is not, so it balances out. But I was also very happy to hand her over to her teachers, wave goodbye, wish her good luck, and head off to work.
For us, three feels right at the moment. It’s still chaos, but it leaves room for some mental peace, and for time together as husband and wife. Everyone’s number is different, and I think that’s fine.
So if you’re planning your first and have a good plan: keep it, and hold it loosely. Whatever the plan says, there will be mornings like this one.
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